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CASTRO ELECTED IN NORTHEAST LANDSLIDE Bedroom community of Barbietown picks Melina over naked, headless Barbie
abv: Election morning crowd in Barbietown celebrates Melina Castro's win (inset) BARBIETOWN, Tx. - Only weeks after local media and special interest groups united to defeat the Northeast representative Melina Castro, information has surfaced that she has been elected 'Mayor and Prezident for Life of Barbietown.' In a poorly-typed and sometimes hand-written 'Newz Releace' received by The Sun, Ms. Castro's new 'Scetreay of Press' Lawyer Ken, states that results from an election held in mid-June confirm Castro's popularity among Northeast constituents. According to the release, 150% of the votes were counted in the booming community of Barbietown, and everyone voted for Ms. Castro. Castro defeated her opponent, headless, naked Malibu Barbie, in what some in her bedroom at her mom's house are calling an "AWESOME" win. While Castro has be reluctant to speak to the press, citing them as one of the reasons for her minor setback in the race for Northeast City representative, she did sit down for a one-on-one interview with Reporter Barbie, seated in a broken pink Corvette. "This election means more to me than any of my other ones," Ms. Castro told Reporter Barbie, while changing Lawyer Ken into a Nutcracker Guard Uniform, "to have all my Northeast Barbie friends elect me president for life is the best." Ms. Castro also credited her platform of no new taxes, responsible growth and no surprise haircuts for any Barbietown resident as keys to her victory. Castro went on to congratulate her opponent, Headless, Naked Malibu Barbie saying, "She ran a good race, but the voters knew that her connections to big business and the media here in El Paso wasn't going to help her in my backyard...where her head is buried." After being sworn in by Nutcracker Guard Ken, Ms. Castro set about on her plans to expand Barbietown. She quickly passed the Castro-Crayola annexation proclamation of the nearby guestroom. Castro tells The Sun the expansion was necessary, ahead of the "GI Joe / Storage room relocation plan as set forth by her mother Monday morning. As she posted the drawing on the door of the guestroom Castro stated, "With tens of GI Joe's headed back from the Gulf of Backyard Pool, I needed to act fast to make sure there was room for our returning veterans from the war and stuff." Castro was referring to the veterans of the He-Man/Gulf of Backyard Pool War, as most of the soldiers managed to defeat Skeletor & blow up Castle Greyskull with leftover fireworks from last July. With her morning tasks done, Ms. Castro was treated to lunch by Elmo, 2 Cabbage Patch kids and a cardboard standup of the Jonas Brothers. Castro was quick to point out that the lunch was catered by her mother and paid for with Monopoly money stashed in the tub of Barbie Dreamhouse, and not by any former city leaders currently under investigation on corruption charges, who may have helped her politically in the past.
Hugh Johnson, El Paso Sun Writer (All rights reserved 2008) |
EP SUN FEATURE LAZY REPORTER HALF-ASSES JUAREZ VIOLENCE STORY Cousin's friend: "They're stealing kidneys, too"
abv: Lazy reporter pondering this story's deadline ON MY COUCH, Tx. - According to some stories I just saw on the news and read online, more people are being killed once again in Juarez and other Mexican areas just across the border from El Paso, Texas. This one hot-looking reporter chick said that a teen was shot late some night while she sat in a fancy SUV. According to the newsbabe, there were "a bunch of bullets and glass around the late-model Lincoln Navigator." A friend of mine tells me that Lincoln Navigators are the preferred SUVs of the Cartel, and his best friend from college drives one, but doesn't have a real job.
abv: Kick-ass SWAT guys near expensive SUV with Cartel shooting victim inside and guy standing there and looking on. See the star? We pretty much agree that he's with the cartel, eventhough he's white. One time I talked to this guy at a bar who had a Mexican accent and he told me about how his best friend made 'a lot of cash' driving drugs over from Juarez. According to this guy, he said that "it was easy to make $15,000 a week just by driving these cars and parking them around town." When I tried to ask him another question, he just drank his beer and said, "I hope you're not a narc." This other time, when we were really drunk and watching Scarface, my friends said we should grow pot ourselves, but I told him it was a bad idea because the already-established drug dealers would get jealous and probably kill us.
A little-known fact about Scarface is that Al Pacino is not really Cuban, he just learned the accent for the movie. Pacino was also in the Godfather Trilogy, meaning three movies, which were all about the Mafia. A friend of mine tells me that the Mafia doesn't deal drugs, a fact he learned from watching both 'New Jack City' and 'The Sopranos.' Anyways, the violence in Mexico is spreading according to this old, white guy on CNN. He says that the Cartels are already in several border cities, including Phoenix El Paso, Los Angeles, San Antonio and Houston. A friend of mine who used to go to Juarez to party, before all the Cartel violence, concurs with the old CNN dude. My friend, who I'll call 'Steve' (eventhough his name is Carlos) said that in addition to the Cartels growing pot and coke, they also steal cars, traffic in women and children, and they kidnap drunk American students and steal their kidneys, too. 'Steve' adds, "It's bad stuff the Cartels, they look for drunk students and take them to motel rooms...once they're there, they cut out their kidneys, sew them back up, and then leave them in the motel room's bathtub filled with ice and water." According to 'Steve', the ice keeps the students from bleeding to death and adds to the fear when they wake up. Another thing I saw about the Mexican drug violence is how they use guns made for war. Those guns shoot alot of bullets. More than Rambo's gun, I'd be willing to bet. Even when Rambo's using those belts of bullets, the Cartels probably use tons more bullets. Mexicans love those bullet belts, just check out a picture of Pancho Villa and his crew and BAM! they're all using those bullet belts like suspenders and shit.
So like the Cartels are super-violent and its a tradition that goes back to the Aztecs. I remember watching a show on the History Channel that the Aztecs would use guys heads as soccer balls and eat their enemy's heart. I think they would also chew on coke leaves to get high and fight, so Cartels go a long way back, I figure. As for the violence ending soon, many people say that legalizing drugs could make things less violent, but if they make drugs legal, only legal people will have drugs. And Guns. And as we know from numerous reports, guns don't kill people, people kill people. So, in conclusion, the cartel violence in Mexico is very violent and causes much harm to people, almost as much as the drugs they sell. And, according to another cute newschick, the violence seems to be neverending. Jo Zyxel, El Paso Sun Writer (All rights reserved 2008)
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EP SWINE FLU DEATHS 'TOO LATE' FOR PR BUMP Country, local media moves on to other, sexier stories
abv: Missed PR opportunity with a sick person EL PASO, Tx. - Once again the region has missed out on the hype and national publicity of a crisis, as the 3 deaths attributed to the H1N1 'Swine Flu' came after the national media's attention had turned elsewhere. According to a $150,000 study commissioned by the El Paso Tourism Urban and Rural Department (EPTURD), the Borderland missed a "golden opportunity" after the 3 week stretch of national and international coverage during the Mexican Violence outbreak in March and April. EPTURD spokesman Larry Smithington tells The Sun, the chance to keep the area in the headlines and in the minds of people was mishandled. "Man, when the Mexicans were killing everybody left and right, and CNN, FoxNews and everyone else was down here, you can't buy that kind of publicity," said Smithington from his upper floor office in Downtown El Paso, "I mean it was 'Border Violence and El Paso this' and 'Killings south of El Paso that'...how great was it that our name was being said over and over again free of charge all over the world?"
Smithington added that this missed opportunity was the third such occurrence in the last 5 years, including the West Nile Virus PR 'bust' from 2004 and Storm2006's failure to deliver any national coverage. "I mean, come on...nearly half the city floods and nobody dies...talk about a disaster," Smithington spat. EPTURD's anger is also directed at the local media, for not 'hyping up the deaths more.' According to Smithington, the media's lazy attitude in covering the three deaths further added to the missed public relations chance. "Do you know how many people died in the US BEFORE the three in El Paso? Like two...we single-handedly almost doubled the tally," Smithington shouted across his mahogany desk, pounding his fist for emphasis, "and the city's media is all like 'here's how not to catch Swine flu' and 'whaaa this kid has cancer' and...I mean, come on, where's the correct focus here?!" Shortly after the third H1N1 death in the area, national media was reporting on school closures in New York City due to the flu, as well as a tragic fire at a Mexican Day Care center and the loss of 228 people aboard an Air France flight from Brazil to Paris. Smithington said any one of these stories could have been placed in the area, making it a far better opportunity for El Paso. "What, no cartel members can start a fire and burn kids? All we burn here are recycling plants...where's the public relations opportunity there," Smithington added bitterly, "instead we hear about State Champs in baseball...really...BASEBALL, who cares about that?" In defense of itself, the area media tells The Sun that "The latest on the city's corruption case is just minutes away, and what's stuck in a Las Cruces toilet will surprise us, aannnd there may be a chance of rain moving into the area." There was no direct comment from the media on the H1N1 flu or its most recent victims. Jacques Strappe, El Paso Sun Writer (All rights reserved 2008) |
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