EL PASO, Tx. – Nearly two years after the region’s Planned Parenthood clinics closed, their main compeditor finally declared victory via an all night party fueled by free drinks and dirty movies.
“We finally won,” stated Reional Unplanned Parenthood Director Thomas Hague, “after years and years of going toe-to-toe with those crazy, condom-wielding abortion-providing nutjobs, we now get our day in the sun.”
Stung by a cut in their funding and a pending investigation into where federal grant money was spent, Planned Parenthood of El Paso closed all of their clinics and shunted their patients off to other area clinics. However the closures are a boon to the region’s only unplanned parenhood organizaion.
Mr. Hague tells the Sun that due to the sheer number of new patients coming into their offices, they’ve had no choice but to expand their clinics. “We haven’t seen business like this since the Summer of 1969,” Hague proudly boasts, “its to the point where we may have to open up an office on every single corner.”
According to Hague, the easiest way to provide the most services in the fastest way will be to franchise the ‘Unplanned Parenthood’ name to locations that are easily accessible to their target audience. Hague says, “The franchising begins almost immediately, you’ll be seeing our neon logo at clubs, bars and even at raves and certain high and middle school graduation parties.”
When asked to elaborate on the serivces that Unplanned Parenthood provides, Hague confirm that they would not be providing any sort of STD testing or informational literature; nor would they be instructing anyone on any safe sex methods. “The only safe sex,” Hague stated, “is the sex you are having.”
Hague also talked about goals of the Unplanned Parenthood program.
“Right now, we’re looking to increase the number of unplanned pregnancies in both our high school and middle school programs over last year’s numbers,” Hague tells the Sun, “with no more do-gooders to warn the kids about diseases and how babies are made, our path for success is clear.”
A confident Hague also talked about the near-future.
“In a market such as this one, where the ‘Birds and the Bees’ talk is almost unheard of, the possibility of expansion into Elementary Schools is more than a definite possibility,” stated a grinning Hague.